Is jealousy a disease of the soul? Is jealousy a way to show the other person how much they are precious and important? Does a person who does not feel jealous of another, not appreciate and love him? Jealousy is a frequently discussed topic. It is mentioned in historical sources, fiction, the Bible. This time, let’s talk more about what is behind these feelings.
It has been aptly described by Robert A. Henlein (American writer): “Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy state. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy. In fact, they are almost incompatible – one emotion practically leaves no room for the other – a self-sufficient and self-confident personality cannot be jealous. Jealousy is always a symptom of neurotic insecurity.”
If we look around us, we will find someone jealous among our loved ones, friends or acquaintances, but perhaps we just need to look in the mirror. These feelings can be observed not only between partners, but also among family members and friends. Moreover, not only among humans, but also among animals. It can be justified or without a real reason, but always connected with the fear of losing something important to you – be it a loved one, a friend, or, for example, recognition at work. Regarding the latter, you should not confuse jealousy with envy – the desire for something, apparently more valuable, that belongs to another.
Psychologists, studying these feelings, have concluded that women are more likely to be jealous. However, this could be attributed to their more pronounced emotionality. Studying age and race differences is hindered by the fact that the same people would have to be studied many years apart, and behavioral norms and worldviews change over time.
There is a different view on the jealousy of children and teenagers. It is particularly vividly enjoyed by families with several children. In these cases, it is even recommended to let the children resolve disputes themselves, if it does not involve physical violence. Such a strategy would promote children’s ability to resolve conflicts themselves, without expecting their parents to do it for them, and would also help to avoid a situation where, against their will, parents sided with one child, which would serve as a new reason for conflicts. Rather, it would be advisable for parents to devote time to common activities with each child individually.
Whether we realize it or not, everyone has felt jealousy at some point in their lives.
What is the norm and what is the deviation from it?
Jealousy can be divided into normal and pathological.
What to add to "normal" jealousy?
- Romantic jealousy is probably one of the most discussed. One study observed that one of the first disputes in a relationship is most often associated with the jealousy of one partner. Over time, financial issues become a more frequent reason for disputes. Interestingly, in a study published in the journal Evolutionary Psychology in 2004, most respondents cited emotional rather than physical infidelity as the reason for jealousy.
- Jealousy related to work and power – the basis of these emotions is the unreceived promotion, salary or other work-related conditions (and again – let’s not confuse it with envy!);
- Jealousy of friends – this is especially characteristic of teenagers, especially those who are characterized by low self-esteem, a feeling of loneliness. A person feels threatened by others in relation to his friends. In adolescence, it is often the cause of depression and even aggressive behavior;
- Family jealousy – a vivid example is the above-mentioned rivalry between children in families with several children, but this does not exclude similar feelings between other relatives.
Now it would be worth clarifying what kind of jealousy can be called “pathological”. First of all, in such cases, the jealousy will most likely be without a real reason. As described by R. Hupka, professor of psychology, professor emeritus of the University of California, it is caused by quite common problems, such as a pronounced lack of self-confidence and personality maturity, insecurity, the need to control everything that happens (from the English “control freak”). In addition to psychological problems, the cause of pathological jealousy can also be biochemical changes in the functioning of the brain and mental illnesses (schizophrenia, Othello syndrome – this condition, according to the character of V. Shakespeare’s play, after whom it is named, is characterized by severe delusional jealousy, under the influence of which the patient can become a victim of jealousy threaten even physically). In such cases, a person can, for example, demand that the partner regularly report his location, check his phone and computer, track him, act unpredictable and dangerous under the influence of jealousy.
Although such a conditional division exists and some psychologists believe that moderate jealousy in a relationship shows care and love for another person, it is important to understand that the line between “normal” and “pathological” jealousy and violence is very fragile. What seems acceptable to one becomes a burden and causes suffering to another.
However, much more common among specialists is the opinion that even those types of jealousy, which are classified as “normal” above, are the consequences of an individual’s psychological problems. Here we can mention:
- low self-esteem;
- a neurotic level of functioning, or a general tendency toward depression, anxiety, and emotional instability;
- insecurity and private ownership;
- dependence on a partner;
- feeling that you are not good enough in a relationship;
- anxious attachment to the partner – feeling that the partner will not love enough or will stop loving.
The above points to the jealous person’s own insecurity rather than love for the partner.
Overcome jealousy.
Fighting jealousy is working with yourself in its broadest sense. Here, of course, pathological jealousy should be ruled out, when it is based on mental or physical health disorders, when the help of a psychiatrist or psychotherapist should be sought.
To deal with jealousy, you have to start with understanding yourself – what is it that creates these feelings? Do they really have a reason? There are situations when the partner has previously been an unfaithful or monogamous person, is in a relationship with someone who is not. In such a case, jealousy is not entirely without grounds, however, here too you have to deal with yourself and understand what you really want and, being honest with yourself and your partner, decide whether such a relationship is worth continuing. Working with yourself and understanding and recognizing your problems is a rather complicated and long path, where a psychotherapist can help well.
Authors of the article: resident doctor in psychiatry, Juta Jaudzema doctor psychiatrist Pēteris Zālītis
Sources of the article:
- http://www.unimedliving.com/unimedpedia/word-index/unimedpedia-jealousy.html
- https://science.howstuffworks.com/life/inside-the-mind/emotions/jealousy5.htm
- https://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/749202
- http://www.wiseoldsayings.com/jealousy-quotes/
- https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/close-encounters/201410/whats-really-behind-jealousy-and-what-do-about-it