More and more often we hear the word “codependency” in conversations about addictions. It seems like a self-evident concept that those around addicts suffer from co-dependency. Codependency is an emotional behavioral state that affects an individual’s ability to be in a healthy, mutually satisfying, supportive relationship. Logically, the question arises, what to do, how to recognize if it really happens to everyone, how to protect yourself?
Unfortunately, people who are in direct contact – live together or are somehow influenced by addicts – suffer from codependency. This means that the behavior of family members changes, relations at home deteriorate, tension increases. Codependents begin to suppress their emotions, keep silent about their desires. The family also feels dependent, which is determined by various living conditions. More often, there are worries that others will find out, that they will condemn or pity, that the most distant relatives will blame the wife/husband, that perhaps because of them their husbands/wives became addicts. A huge shame appears, not only for the addict, but also for himself. Lies to relatives, colleagues, the dependent “cover-up” and sometimes justification began. Anger builds up inside. A vicious circle is formed, the more one gets angry, the more one feels guilty, the more one tries to show to the outside, to prove that everything is fine in the family. Codependents become survivors. This leads to the fact that family members stop talking about the problem, ignore their needs, stop feeling and trusting. The biggest mistake parents make is thinking that children don’t know anything. Delusions! Children understand the games and lies of adults very well, sometimes intuitively feel that something bad is happening and who is to blame for it. Children try to take over the co-dependent behavior model of their parents, which determines their future behavior, often also determines the choice of a partner.
The most dangerous situation occurs when the co-dependent, like the addict, denies their addiction without seeing the problem. Sometimes it can be observed when mothers/wives merge so much with their children/husbands that they also deprive the addict of the opportunity to understand the problem. There are cases when women proudly “carry their cross”, telling everyone how bad their alcoholic husband is, but at home she herself brings him another bottle, because otherwise “he will die”. In some cases, women are more than happy to play the role of the victim, thereby gaining sympathy and support from others in her hard struggle with windmills. The real situation is that the victim does not want anything to change.
How to recognize the codependent in you?
If there are several positive answers to the following questions, then specialist consultation is required.
- Have you always worried about what others think of you?
- Is the opinion of others always more important to you than your own?
- Have you ever lived with someone who was addicted to alcohol or drugs or gambling?
- Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work/home?
- Do you have doubts about what you want to be?
- Do you feel free to express your feelings to other people?
- Do you ever feel inadequate to the situation?
- Do you feel like a bad person when you make a mistake?
- Do you find it difficult to accept compliments or gifts?
- Do you feel humiliated when your child makes mistakes?
- Do you have problems saying no when someone asks for help, or asking for help yourself?
What to do?
The first help to yourself is to understand the problem, to accept that it is so, not to look for excuses for the behavior of another. Change yourself. Seek help, talk about it. Discuss the problem at home with family members. Don’t be afraid to open up, talk about it, show your attitude that it’s not right, feel the pity that we want to avoid so much. Yes, you are able to formulate and discuss your problem, then you are on the right path. Learning to say “No!” You should stop lying for others, fearing that the worst will happen. Already happened! If the wife/husband continues to keep silent about the partner’s drinking and aggression while intoxicated, for example, their children will also quickly learn that if the partner drinks and hits, then they should be silent. Do you want such a future for your children? Codependents need professional help just like addicts. Other family members and others who are aware of the addiction problem should also be involved in the process of treating addicts. Codependency support groups exist and work because it’s important to talk about the problem and see other people with similar problems to help reduce shame and learn to work with anger. You can visit a psychologist/psychotherapist individually, seek support in crisis centers, also by phone. Because only when you are healthy, you will be able to help the sick.
Some tips.
- Don’t explain your relationship with a drunk person! Don’t waste your energy, they don’t hear you!
- Do not start the conversation with arguments and accusations, despite the fact that you really want to.
- First, be clear about your feelings, define them, then share them.
- Mark a strict boundary between you and the dependent family member.
- By your own example, by opening up about your feelings, help the addict open up too.
- Consult a psychotherapist, narcologist yourself, because … see point 3.
- Don’t believe in promises, you already did it, ask for proof – deeds!
- Don’t fall for the manipulation: “I’ll drop it if you…” Lie! Or: “If you don’t give me money for this, then I will die/I will commit suicide/it will be the last time”. The addict never considers himself to be guilty, in most cases he will not do anything to himself, because he only cares about himself.
- Be firm, stand your ground.
- Follow through on what you said.
- Don’t make rash decisions/make promises you can’t keep.
- Involve family members who are aware of the problem. Discuss the situation together. Find a source of support for yourself.
- Do not judge and do not blame! Look for a solution!
- Allow the addict to take responsibility for themselves.
- Don’t be ashamed of it! It is a disease that needs to be treated! You will not be ashamed of bronchial asthma or diabetes.
- The illness of others does not have to make you feel sick or bad yourself.
Author of the article: resident doctor in narcology, psychiatrist Júlija Līce.
Used literature:
- http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependency
- https://psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-codependency/
- https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/codependency-definition-signs-worksheets/
- https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anxiety-zen/201609/6-signs-codependent-relationship
- http://coda.org/index.cfm/meeting-materials1/patterns-and-characteristics-2011/
- https://dspace.lu.lv/dspace/bitstream/handle/7/4766/28603-Ilona_Laizane_2011.pdf?sequence=1
- http://www.psihoterapeituprakse.lv/raksti/mans-virs—alkoholokis-es-ari
- “Narcology” edited by A.Stirnas, 2008, pp. 198-206.